Humorous & Legal

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters . ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? WITNESS:     My name is Susan!  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active? WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS:     I forget.. ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________    ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS:     We both do. ATTORNEY:  Voodoo? WITNESS:     We do.. ATTORNEY:  You do? WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________  ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.  ___________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS:     Getting laid.  ____________________________________________   ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls? WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS:     By death.. ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS:     Take a guess.  ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual? WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female? WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________  ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.  ______________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS:     Oral...  _________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________  ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?  ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing? WITNESS:     No.. ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.