Making Sense

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

  *****

When the white missionaries came to  Africa, they had the Bible
and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

  ~ Desmond Tutu

  *****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

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I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

  ~ Howard Hughes

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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

  ~ Italian proverb

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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

  ~ Betsy Salkind

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The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

  ~ Jean Kerr

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I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

  ~ Jeff Foxworthy

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

  ~ Prince Philip

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

  ~ Emo Philips.

  *****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

  ~ Harrison Ford

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The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

  ~ Spike Milligan

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Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

  ~ Robin Hall

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Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

  ~ Jean Rostand.

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Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

  ~  Arnold   Schwarzenegger.

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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

  ~ WH Auden

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In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

  ~ Jonathan Katz

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If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

  ~ Johnny Carson

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I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

  ~ Arthur C Clarke

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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

  ~ Steve Martin

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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

  ~ Jimmy Durante

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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

  ~ Doug Hamwell

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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

  ~ George Roberts

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If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport

  ~ Jonathan Winters

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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

  ~ Robert Benchley

ACCOMODATIONS

A married couple is travelling by car to visit family. After almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. “But we didn’t use them,” the husband said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have enjoyed one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t” exclaims the Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE

Written by Andy Rooney, a man who had the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......

I've learned .... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned .... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned .... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned .... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned .... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned .... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned .... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned .... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned .... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned .... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned .... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned .... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned .... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned .... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned ... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned .... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned .... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned .... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned .... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned .... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned .... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned ... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned .... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned .... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned .... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned .... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned .... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned .... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

'Putting Your Affairs In Order .'

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,'I've got some bad news.

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with
AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm
gone.'

And
THAT, my friends, is what is called,

'Putting
Your Affairs In Order .'

THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY....

Women
are like phones:

They
like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But
push the wrong button and your butt is disconnected.

Perfect husband...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this

beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership

and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000.

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was

just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is

back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of

$900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra

eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker

room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Grandma goes to court.

HOW IS NORMA?

 This is hilarious!!

A sweet grandmotherTelephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear.

What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
 
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check

with the nurse's station for that room."
 
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and

her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
 
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.

God bless you for the good News." 
  
The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" 
  
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me squat" 
  

A Peaceful Life

Ya' gotta love this guy!!!!!

Meet Walter Barnes

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped

their hands.

"OK, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all of them”  - and he calmly returned to his seat.

Old Dogs

One day an old Labrador retriever starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
 
The old Labrador retriever thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
 
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Labrador retriever exclaims loudly,
 
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
 
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
 
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Labrador retriever nearly had me!"
 
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
 
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
 
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
 
Now, the old  Labrador retriever sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Labrador retriever says...
 
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
 
Moral of this story...
 
Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER

Number 8  Life is sexually transmitted. Number 7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 6  Men have two emotions :Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, do some baking . Number 5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years Number 4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing. Number 3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 2  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The Number 1 Thought    Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--  what you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.  - - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."