How Do CourtReporters Keep Straight Faces?

  
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said ...in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Well,

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called “Yam”. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,  'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw Because he's just... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? * * OK!  Here it is! * * * * A  COMMONTATER

Suthanuhs

Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southerners know their religions:
Bapdiss
Methdiss
Football

Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them,
you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction
of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl
in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that"just down the road" can
be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast
food; that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Crystal hot sauce,
and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her sweet
little heart"... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your
Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your little heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff....bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah !
There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There
ain't nobody interested in livin' up north, nobody would buy the
magazine!

Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish
they had a'been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little
heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The Soldier stood and faced God, Which must always come to pass. He hoped his shoes were shining, Just as brightly as his brass. 'Step forward now, Soldier, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?' The soldier squared his shoulders and said, 'no, Lord, I guess I ain't. Because those of us who carry guns, Can't always be a saint. I've had to work most Sundays, And at times my talk was tough. And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough. But, I never took a penny, That wasn't mine to keep. Though I worked a lot of overtime, When the bills just got too steep. And I never passed a cry for help, Though at times I shook with fear. And sometimes, God, forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place, Among the people here. They never wanted me around, Except to calm their fears If you've a place for me here, Lord, It needn't be so grand.  I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand. There was a silence all around the throne, Where the saints had often trod. As the Soldier waited quietly, For the judgment of his God. 'Step forward now, you Soldier,  You've borne your burdens well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets, You've done your time in Hell.' ~Author Unknown~

It's the Soldier, not the reporter Who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Soldier, not the poet, Who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Soldier, not the politicians that ensures Our right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It's the Soldier who salutes the flag, Who serves beneath the flag, And whose coffin is draped by the flag.

Interesting Facts

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times! 

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years. 

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end. 

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off. 

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals. 

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers. 

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year. 

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. 

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F. 

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. 

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean. 

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man. 

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density. 

The University of Alaska spans four time zones. 

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself. 

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted. 

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday. 

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 

A comet's tail always points away from the sun. 

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent. 

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines. 

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity. 

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. 

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight. 

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed. 

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside. 

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams. 

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year. 

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust. 

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters. 

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy. 

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down. 

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator. 

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off. 

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements. 

Making Sense

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

  *****

When the white missionaries came to  Africa, they had the Bible
and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

  ~ Desmond Tutu

  *****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

  *****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

  ~ Howard Hughes

  *****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

  ~ Italian proverb

  *****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

  ~ Betsy Salkind

  *****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

  ~ Jean Kerr

  *****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

  *****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

  ~ Jeff Foxworthy

  *****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

  ~ Prince Philip

  *****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

  ~ Emo Philips.

  *****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

  ~ Harrison Ford

  *****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

  ~ Spike Milligan

  *****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

  ~ Robin Hall

  *****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

  ~ Jean Rostand.

  *****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

  ~  Arnold   Schwarzenegger.

  *****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

  ~ WH Auden

  *****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

  ~ Jonathan Katz

  *****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

  ~ Johnny Carson

  *****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

  ~ Arthur C Clarke

  *****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

  ~ Steve Martin

  *****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

  ~ Jimmy Durante

  *****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

  ~ Doug Hamwell

  *****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

  ~ George Roberts

  *****

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport

  ~ Jonathan Winters

  *****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

  ~ Robert Benchley

ACCOMODATIONS

A married couple is travelling by car to visit family. After almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. “But we didn’t use them,” the husband said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have enjoyed one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.” “That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied. “But I didn’t” exclaims the Manager. “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE

Written by Andy Rooney, a man who had the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......

I've learned .... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned .... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned .... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned .... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned .... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned .... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned .... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned .... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned .... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned .... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned .... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned .... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned .... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned .... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned ... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned .... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned .... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned .... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned .... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned .... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned .... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned ... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned .... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned .... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned .... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned .... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned .... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned .... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.