Wine

Point--Counterpoint

Husband’s Text (by mobile phone): 

  “Darling, I’ve been hit by a car outside the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They have been making tests and taking X-rays.

  The blow to my head has been very strong

but fortunately it seems that did not cause

any serious injury. 

However, I have three broken ribs, a compound

fracture in the left leg, and they may have

to amputate the right foot.”   

Wife’s Response:  “Who’s Paula?”

CHILDREN IN CHURCH

  A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, 
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. 
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
 
  
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
Ms.  Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms.  Terri said, 
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. 
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks, 
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to. 
My mom is a good cook."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, 
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

Thank God for Old Geezers!

I never really liked the terminology "Old Geezzers" but this makes me feel better about it. And if you ain't one, I bet ya you know one! I got this from an "Old geezer" friend of mine!

OLD Geezer PRIDE I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old geezer receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old geezers are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old geezerss remember World War II, Pearl Harbour , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .. If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection. Old geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies. Old geezers have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren. It's the Old geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country. This country needs Old geezers with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers! Pass this on to all the "Old Geezers" you know. I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

Lexophile winners

..When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
..When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
..A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
..A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
..When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a  mall.
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully  recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never  developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd  dye.
..  Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

How are you Doing?

Life has it's ways of turning around...

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man…and then my dog bit me." "So . . . I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!....  But shoot... enough about me... how are you doing?”

The captions are priceless]

I hate it when he plays " Mount Everest .."

Menopause sucks.



Who the heck is "Sugar Lips?"

Those brownies were Far Out!!



NO! We Don't want any Magazine Subscriptions!



There's a ringer competing in the Hogtown Olympics.



I'm not Over-Weight, I'm Under-Height!!

You do have an odd perspective on things.



Lunchtime at the Corncob Cafe.

Okay, I caught him, now what do I do with him?


I hate this game.

Flight 'Hum-One' coming in for a landing.

Hi, I'm Celeste, I'll be your Aura-Concierge today.



Just act natural and blend in.

Where's my Coffee?


Whoo-o loves ya, Baby?

*****************************************************
'

Life is better when you are happy, but life is best when


other people are happy because of you' 

 

Remember when?

I'm older than dirt

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'  'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.  'All the food was slow.'  'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'  'It was a place called 'at home,' I explained. !  'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'  By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :  Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.  My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).  We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.  It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God.  It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...   I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.  Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.    Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.    All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.  He had to get up at 6AM every morning.   Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.  If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.  Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? MEMORIES: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old. How many do you remember? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard.  Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.  Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.   Older Than Dirt Quiz :  Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about   Ratings at the bottom.  1.Candy cigarettes 2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes  3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles  4. Party lines on the telephone 5.Newsreels before the movie   6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and stayed there until TV shows started again in the morning. ( there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]) 7.Peashooters  8. Howdy Doody  9. 45 RPM records  10.Hi-fi's 11. Metal ice trays with lever  12. Blue flashbulb 13. Cork popguns  14. Studebakers 15. Wash tub wringers  If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older  If you remembered 7-10  = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!  I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.