Humor for the Day and Then Some

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'  'It is!'  'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'  'I can!' 'Do you know a Vince O'Neill?'  'I do!'  'Is he a member of your congregation?'  'He is!'  'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'  'He will.'  Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'  Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.  'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.  The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..  'Who are you?' he asked him..  'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.  'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..  'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.  'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.  The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..    Marriage Humour  Wife:    'What are you doing?'    Husband:     Nothing.  Wife:    'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'  Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'    -------------------------------  Wife :   'Do you want dinner?'    Husband:  'Sure! What are my choices?'  Wife:     'Yes or no.'      --------------------------------------------------------   Stress Reliever  Girl:  'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'    Boy:  'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'    Girl:  'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'  ------------------------------  Son:  'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'    Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'    Son:  'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'  ______________________________    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'    ------------------------------------------------------------  A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'  ___________________________________ Husbands are husbands  A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'