Biker

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making
biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. 
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see
a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When
I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another 
man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a
drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then
you show up and drink the whole damn thing! 

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

Irony

Bran Flakes

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies. 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.


One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' 

Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' 

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?' 

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 
'Never again'

Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your  Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Have A Happy Life And Give someone A Smile.

Getting old?

So, what's the problem?

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. ------------------------------------------------------ Water in the carburetor WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous " WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car? WIFE: "In the pool" =========================================== A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS. 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= HE MUST PAY Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Today's Short Reading from the Bible... From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Church Service

One Sunday morning, A priest decided to Do something a little different.  He said 'Today, in church, I am going To say a single word And you are going to Help me preach.. Whatever single word I say,  I want you to sing whatever Hymn that comes to your mind --  The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'  Immediately The congregation started singing in unison,  'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS...' The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began To sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.' The pastor said 'POWER.'  The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.' The Pastor said 'SEX'  The congregation fell into total silence.  Everyone was in shock.  They all nervously began to look around at each other  Afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden,  Way from in the back of the church, A little old 87 year old grandmother  Stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES...' Pass this along and make someone smile today  Gotta Love Little Old Ladies. Laugh... It burns calories

Great Signs