Owls

To OWLS (Older Wiser Laughing Souls)  Wisdom  from Grandpa... Whether  a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the  kind of chick he marries. Trouble  in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt he  forgets his sugar.  Too  many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.   When  a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they  try to decide which one.  If  a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,  she'll never turn into an old nag.  On  anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never  the present. A  foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin',  ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine's gonna work." Many  girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make  beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders. Eventually  you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start  bragging about it.  Some  people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to  know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the  roads weren't paved.  How  old would you be if you didn't know how old you  are? You know you are getting  old, when everything either dries up or leaks.   Old  age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,  they don't recognize you.  Have  a GREAT day and keep laughing! It's  good for the soul.  And remember my motto:   pay the undertaker with a bad  check...

Amen

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews  had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community,  so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious  debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in  Italy; if the  Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged
 and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian (or Latin),
 and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite
 each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and
 a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself
 beaten and said that the rabbi was

too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked
 him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to 
represent the Trinity.
He responded by holding up a single finger to
 remind me there is still only one God common
 to both our

faiths.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to 
show him that God was all around us. The

rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to
 show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and host to show that
 through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned
 for our sins,
but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me 
of the original sin."He bested me at every move and I could
 not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered 
to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi.

"First, he told me that we had three days to
 get out of  Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would
 be cleared of Jews but I told him
emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his
 lunch, so I took out mine.

(*_*)

Smiles

Aunty Acid

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2012

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.  Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.  When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked.  'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.  It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition, the engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE:  

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Proofreading????

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?    

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the

Editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day ..

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
No crap, really? Ya think?! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far! _____________________________

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  What a guy!  --------------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death  Good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!  ------------------------------------------------------ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  See if that works any better than a fair trial!  ----------------------------------------------------------                                                           War Dims Hope for Peace  I can see where it might have that effect!  ---------------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  Ya think?!  ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Who would have thought!  ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  They may be on to something!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?  ---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces  Battery Charge  He probably IS the battery charge!  ---------------------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  Weren't they fat enough?!  ----------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  That's what he gets for eating those damn beans!  ---------------- --------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  Do they taste like chicken? ****************************** Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  Chainsaw Massacre all over again!  *************************************************** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  Boy, are they tall!  ******************************************* And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  Did I read that right?  ***************************************************