Play on Words

 Lexiphiles (i.e., "lovers of words" you know . . . . like . . ..

you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . . . or, I

wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . . . .. then it hit me . . . .etc.).

Well, here we go!.

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . . . U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married . . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN THE SOUTH!

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?

People actually grow,eat and like okra.

Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.

There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.

You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss(first name) or Mr.(first name)

You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know what a hissyfit is..

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

-- 

Insane facts about hair

COMMENTS TO PONDER.

Red-neck technology

Just follow some of the folks home from Wal-Mart.

Self preservation

true story ?

This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy-bitsy  shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire:  While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we  were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from  out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs  because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would  not be here today!  Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took;  the bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just  walking away at a brisk pace.

The young priest

there was an elderly priest speaking to a younger priest and he said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats, it worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring back young people, so I supported you when you brought in that 'Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir'. Now our services are constantly packed to the balcony."

"Thank you Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the New ideas for Youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone to far with the Drive-thru-Confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church!"

No charge for Love

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy. "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." The boy dropped his head for moment.Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?" "Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid.Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up... "I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that   puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that, the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so, he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands." With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.

Holding it carefully, he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

The Indian

There once was an Indian who had only one testicleand whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

 

 

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

Cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone

Again, I will kill them!"

 

 

The word got around and nobody called 

Him that any more.

 

 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

Forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

The forest where he made love to her all day and

All night. He made love to her all the next day, 

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

 

 

The word got around that Onestone meant what 

He promised he would do.

Years went by and no

One dared call him by his given name until a woman  

Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

Away. Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was

Overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

And said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

 

 

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,  

Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

Night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

Her all the next night, butYellowBird wouldn't die!

 

 

 

Why ???

 

 

 

 

OH, come on . Take a guess !!!

 

 

 

 

Think about it !!!

 

 

 

 

You're going to love this !!!

 

 

 

 

Everyone knows...

 

You can't kill Two Birds

With OneStone!!!