Maxine

The lovable Maxine --

Romantic Dinner

A man and woman were having dinner in a

fine restaurant.  They were gazing lovingly

at each other and holding hands.


Their waitress, taking another order at a table

a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly

sliding down his chair and under the table, but the

woman acted unconcerned.


The waitress watched as the man slid all the

way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,

apparently unaware her dining companion

had disappeared.


The waitress went over to the table and said

to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think

your husband just slid under the table."


The woman calmly looked up at her and said,


"No, he didn't. He just walked in."



 

The Dog and the Panther

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before

long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther

heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having

lunch.



The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep now!" Noticing

some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew

on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther

is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy,

that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around

here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike,

a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German

Shepherd nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene

from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to

good use and trade it for protection from the panther.



So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the

panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. 


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,

"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to

happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming

with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to

do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his

back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and

just when they get close enough to hear, the old German

Shepherd says, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour

ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story:


Don't mess with the old dogs.  Age and experience count.

Irish Birth Control

     Mrs. Donovan was walking  down 

O'Connell  Street in Dublin when 

she  met up with Father Flaherty. 

 

The  Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' 

To  ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan 

And  didn't I marry ye and yer 

Hoosband  two years ago?'   

She  replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' 


The  Father asked, 'And be there 

Any  wee little ones yet?' 


She  replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'  

The  Father said, 'Well now, 

I'm  going to Rome next week 

And  I'll light a fertility candle for ye 

And  yer hoosband.'  

She  replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' 

They then parted ways.  


Some  years later they met again. 

The  Father asked, 'Well now, 

Mrs.  Donovan, how are ye these days?' 

She  replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' 

The  Father asked, 'And tell me , 

Have  ye any wee ones yet?' 


She  replied, 'Oh yes, Father! 

Two  sets of twins and six singles, 

Ten  in all!'  

The  Father said, 'That's wonderful! 

And  how is yer loving hoosband doing?' 


She  replied, 'E's gone to Rome 

to  blow out yer dooom'd candle.'

Politics and Newspapers

 1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3.The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the

country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country

but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however,

like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind

running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't

have to leave Southern California to do it.

6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to

run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.

7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't

too sure who's running the country and don't really care as

long as they can get a seat on the train.

8.The New York Post is read by people who don't care who

is running the country as long as they do something really

scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running

another country, but need the baseball scores.

10.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who

aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it;

but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are

occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped,

minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be

illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy.

11.The National Enquirer is read by people trapped

in line at the grocery store.

12. Florida Today is read by people who have recently

caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

No offense Mr Stover.

LOL

Why men are seldom depressed

Men Are Just Happier People --

Life is simpler for you.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of

themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a

water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a

water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another

gas station restroom because this

one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think

of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux

rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest

when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister,

or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over

in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires

only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest

act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a

three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more

than enough..

You almost never have strap

problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles

in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays

its original color..

The same hairstyle lasts for

years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your

face and neck.

You can play with toys all

your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes

-- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter

how your legs look..

You can 'do' your nails with a

pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice

concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping

for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

And lastly, men never have to

stop and ask for directions

No wonder men are happier.