You'll Love This

Those fabulous Jewish
Comedians

You may remember the
old Jewish Catskill comics of

Vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene, Red
Buttons, Totie
Fields,

Joey
Bishop, Milton
Berle, Jan

Murray, Danny
Kaye,

Henny
Youngman, Buddy
Hackett, Sid
Caesar, Groucho
Marx, Jackie Mason,Victor
Borge, Woody
Allen, Joan
Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George
Burns, Allan
Sherman, Jerry
Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl
Reiner, Shelley
Berman, Gene
Wilder, George Jessel,
Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil
Silvers,

Jack
Carter, Rodney
Dangerfield, Don
Rickles, Jack
Benny

and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in
their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure
trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman
for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill
me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to
hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I
won't be
reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go,
she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where
we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed
in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where
we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and
looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to
live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him
another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen
answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll
live to be 60!" Patient: "I
am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell
you?"

* Patient: "I
have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't
answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge
says, "You've been brought here for
drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get
started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine
did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.

There is a big controversy on the
Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition,
the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from
medical school.

Q: Why
don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol
interferes with their suffering.
.

Q: Why
do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They
never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in
Florida ,

"Mom, how are you?"

" Not too good," said the
mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so
weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days."

The son said, "That's terrible.

Why haven't you eaten in 38
days?"

The mother answered,

"Because I didn't want my mouth to
be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and
tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,

"What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of
the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go
back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How
many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't
bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish
holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked
up to a Jewish mother on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she
replied.

Q: What's
the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually,
the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why
are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because
Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.