A Keeper

A Keeper Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, work shirt and a hat; and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other! It was the time for fixing things: a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy! All that re-fixing, re-heating leftovers, renewing; I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more. But when my mother died, and I was standing in that clear morning light in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it, it's best we love it... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken... And heal it when it's sick. This is true: For marriage... And old cars... And children with bad report cards... Dogs and cats with bad hips... And aging parents... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep, like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, Like people we know who are special... And so, we keep them close!

Red Neck Engineering

Three Questions for a Redneck Engineer Question # 1??: How much does a house weigh? Question # 2??: How much weight can a rural two-lane bridge hold??? And Question # 3??:  WOULD THIS BE COVERED BY  HOME INSURANCE,  CAR INSURANCE,  OR, DOES  IT COME UNDER ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE???  Y' ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY NOW, YA' HEAR!!!

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Musings

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist turned comedian who once said:  "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

My Favorite Old Person

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!  TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE  1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.  2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.  3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.  5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.  6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.  7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.  9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.  10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.  13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.  14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.  15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!  17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18.. Procrastinate Now!  . 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.  24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life is too short and friends are too few!