Redneck Test

Redneck College Exam

Now, scroll down for the answers

You hang in there; Sunshine... l didn't pass either..!!!

The Pilot

Trust Our Pilots

GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE.................

During a commercial airline flight an Navy Pilot was seated

next to a young mother with 
a babe in arms. When the

baby began crying during the descent for landing, the

mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as

possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon

disembarking, he gallantly offered his 
assistance to help

with the various baby-related items. When the young

mother expressed 
her gratitude, the pilot responded, 


"Gosh, that's a good looking baby..and he sure was

hungry !" 
 
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained

that her pediatrician said that the time spent 
on the breast

would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. 

The

Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion

exclaimed, 
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."




The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."




The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.


"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

WELL HELLO !!!!!!

Real News

Lindsay Lohan, 24,

and Paris Hilton

got their names and faces all over the
news because they went to jail for a few short weeks or days for acting out,
negative behavior, resisting arrest, cocaine possession, being drunk and 
disorderly, not to mention their insolent attitude.



What do you know about these men?

 Justin Allen, 23

 Brett Linley, 29

Matthew Weikert, 29

 Justus Bartett, 27 

Dave Santos , 21 

Chase Stanley, 21

Jesse Reed, 26

 Matthew Johnson, 21

Zachary Fisher, 24

Brandon King, 23

Christopher Goeke, 23

 Sheldon Tate, 27



Do you recognize any of their names? No? None of them starred in a movie or 
made a record album, hit a homerun or scored a 3 point conversion or did a
 celebration in the end zone after scoring a touchdown. None of them brags
about "showcasing their talents for their fans" while being paid millions 
and millions of dollars.

 Did that help? No? Well then I should tell you that they are all Marines who 
gave their lives for YOU this week.

They die for honor and country.
 They are all heroes of the highest magnitude. How much did you read about
 them ?



God Bless America and God Bless the United States Marine Corps
.

Please say a prayer for "Darkhorse" 3rd Battalion 5th
 Marines and their families. They are fighting it out in Afghanistan & they
 have lost 9 marines in 4 days.

Moms

LESSON OF THE DAY – NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

You don’t even have to be a mother to enjoy this one…

Brian invited his mother over for dinner.. During the course of the meal,

Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s

roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the

platonic
 relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only

made her more 
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching

the two interact, she 
started to wonder if there was more between Brian

and Jennifer than met the
 eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian

volunteered, ‘I know what you must 
be thinking, but I assure you

Jennifer and I are just roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your

mother
came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy

ladle.
You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So

he sat down and wrote:
_
Dear Mom,
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the

gravy ladle from the house, I’m not
 saying that you ‘did not’ take the

gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since

you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian



Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:


Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying

that you
 'do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if

Jennifer is
 sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy

ladle by now.
 Love, Mom

*********************

Aah, The Golden Years

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS


A row of bottles on my shelf


Caused me to analyze myself.


One yellow pill I have to pop


Goes to my heart so it won't stop.?


A little white one that I take


Goes to my hands so they won't shake.


The blue ones that I use a lot


Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.


The purple pill goes to my brain


And tells me that I have no pain.?


The capsules tell me not to wheeze


Or cough or choke or even sneeze..


The red ones, smallest of them all


Go to my blood so I won't fall.


The orange ones, very big and bright


Prevent my leg cramps in the night.


Such an array of brilliant pills


Helping to cure all kinds of ills.


But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

I knew I was going bald when it was taking longer and longer to wash my face.

I knew the romance was dead when I drank champagne out of the old girls slipper and choked on a Dr. Scholl's foot pad

The local paper sent a reporter out for my 90^th birthday. He asked the secret of my longevity. Simple, sez I to him... Keep Breathing

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want ot annoy for the rest of your life.

I've ofter thought that life is like a roll of toilet tissue. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example
 I am sitting here right now thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

AIN'T NO CHRISTIANS ON THE FAR RIGHT

A recent poll indicated 51 % of Republicans thought President Obama is not a U.S. Citizen, and 30% believed him to be a Muslim. Just how stupid or immoral are Republicans?

This is an image of his Certificate of Live Birth which, as it states, serves as prima facie evidence of birth in any court proceeding. [HRS 338-13(b), 338-19] A poor forgery of a Kenyan certificate was disclaimed in court,and the perp fined. Three years ago Honolulu's 2 newspapers also duly verified the birth. And the hospital has repeatedly verified it. They are so fed up they won't even talk about it anymore.

For those intelligence challenged individuals, you can check out more of the proof here: http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/citizen.asp. I know, Soros funded (not managed) it. OK Try http://www.factcheck.org/2009/05/was-obama-born-in-the-usa/. This is a conservative site funded by the Annenberg Foundation .http://www.ashsociatedcontent.com/article/1086271/factcheck_run_by_conservative_philanthropist.html?cat=75

Every couple of weeks, I get an e-mail proclaiming proof that he was born in Kenya, and Supreme Court is about to strip him of his presidency. The perpetuators of these myths are either liars, plain ignorant, or both. Fox and talk radio have done this repeatedly in the past and Republican leaders have

coyly said they believe Obama is an American, but everybody can decide for themselves. What a monumental cop-out. Huckabee has recently talked about Obama “growing up in Kenya”, trying to perpetuate the lies.

Gingrich and others have done the same.

Even though the 10 commandments are located in the old testament, any real Christian knows they should not bare false witness. People who continue to spread these lies are either just plain stupid, or liars (take your choice).

Although in “Acts” Jesus says not to criticize you leader, I don't think he meant you couldn't disagree. There appears to be no moral problem with saying his actions are destroying our country (if that's what you believe), but when saying he is trying to or wants to destroy our country, the speaker or writer is implying they have supernatural or Godly powers. Poking fun at the President and strenuously disagreeing with him is fair game, but malicious lies only intended to denigrate the President and and the Office of the President, is vile, un-American, and un-Christian.

The muslim tag is equally ridiculous. You don't become a Christian or Muslim just because you have a Christian or Muslim parent. You have to be a believer and profess the faith, which Obama has done. Sean Hannity,

is one of the skeptics, or liars, when he frequently uses the “tag”, despite the months of criticizing Obama for attending Rev. Wright's church for over 20 years and Obama has frequently professed his Christian faith.

I certainly don't agree with everything the President has done but he was duly elected, and lies and misrepresentations should not me used to simply smear him. Even now he still represents millions of Americans' values.

Republican politicians have repeatedly been critical of the “Stimulus” saying it has done no good, while smiling and going to groundbreaking ceremonies funded by it. Here, Gov. Jindal ®, is speaking at the groundbreaking for I-12 widening-(worth $26 million to the La. Economy)

Gross hypocrisy. I agree that the stimulus didn't do all it could, or should. Shovel ready projects were frequently not shovel ready. Their continuous tirades against everything the Obama administration attempts to do to revive the economy, causes doubt which has a stifling effect. Defeating Obama is more important to them than helping America. Incidentally, for the uninformed the stimulus did keep many on the payroll, which did prevent even higher unemployment figures. That would of course have delighted the Republican politicians who place party above country. They have repeatedly stated their primary goal is to make sure Obama doesn't get a second term. I would have hoped their primary goal would be to help our economic recovery. They are certainly not patriotic.

The Republicans have already redistributed the wealth to the extent that the middle class is in the death throes.

They continue to force people lower and lower on the economic ladder, to enrich themselves. They fight increases in minimum wage, restrict healthcare to the “worthy”, not the unwashed masses. Someone can't make it on their own, push them down in the mud and move on.

Some good hardworking Republicans with good jobs and good health that are “self made” men and women, will realize their mistake, when they get to retirement age and don't have at least a million bucks in their retirement portfolio, or 401k. They may not realize that accidents and illnesses happen. That children grow up and want cars and help in college. That circumstances may cause them to cut back on their saving. That million bucks a few years in the future won't be as valuable as it was or is now. They won't get the promised 10% return that they were promised and if Republicans have their way, there will no longer be a social security safety net. They will be lucky to have $30K/year to live on during future recessions and inflation and the medical expenses that come with advancing age.

The Right to Life group advocate protection of the egg, embryo and fetus, some even advocate murder.

After the child is born, they strenuously object to the use of their taxes for its protection, feeding and healthcare.

Old grayheads in the tea party movement object to any socialization of the country or healthcare for the uninsured, yet accept their medicare and Social Security checks.

Yes, elections have consequences. The Republicans handily won the last election. They certainly outmaneuvered and won the propaganda war against Democrats. They now have a chance to correct what they found wrong with Pelosi, et. al. Now they will be judged as have been all our recent leaders. We seem to vacillate from left to right to left to right, mainly because the extreme values get out more voters. The pendulum is now at the far right. However, the way it works out, don't be surprised if the opposite extremes turn out in the next election. This has been the recent political history of our country. Fortunately the end results end up closer to the middle than either of the extremes. We shall see.

Despite the fact that I am fiscally conservative and currently a registered Republican, I no longer desire to be associated with what has become this reprehensible Republican Party, including the Florida Republican Party, which is rife with corruption. I feel that being associated with people of this ilk, gives tacit approval to their culture of hate, deception, and selfish desires. I shall become an Independent and work against the Republicans until the party regains some respectability and starts to embrace our traditional Christian values and begins to place country ahead of party.

***BREAKING NEWS***

The US 6 ½ Fleet with over 2,000 Marines, is steaming into Lake Michigan,

headed for Wisconsin. The fleet will provide humanitarian assistance, in

the form of food and medical aid, to the thousands of protesters that are

objecting to the oppressive hand of the Wisconsin Ruler. The Ruler,

Colonel Walker, has doubled the size of the capitol police, by hiring mercenaries. One of the mercenaries brutalized a Democrat House Representative.

The President, has demanded Col. Walker exercise restraint when

dealing with the peaceful protesters. A spokesman, who wishes to

remain anonymous, said the President has neither demanded that Col.

Walker leave the State, nor imposed a “no fly zone”, but stated all

options remain on the table. LOL

Bill has done it again.

BILL HAS DONE IT AGAIN.

'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.

I can't even talk the way these people talk:

Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...

And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

And then I heard the father talk.

Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.

These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.

$500 sneakers for what?

And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.

Where were you when he was 2?

Where were you when he was 12?

Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?

And where is the father? Or who is his father?

People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?

People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?

What part of Africa did this come from??

We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .....

I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American. That is totally stupid.

I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany , Scotland , England , Ireland , or the Netherlands . The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !

With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap ......... And all of them are in jail.

Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.

We have got to take the neighborhood back.

People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.

We have millionaire football players who cannot read.

We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.

Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.

We have to start holding each other to a higher standard..

We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
Dr.. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed..D.



WELL SAID, BILL
It's NOT about color...

It's about behavior!!!