The Wit (and Wisdom) of Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. 
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

Penguins

Dead Penguins - I never knew this! Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing… "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? It's so easy to fool OLD people. Oh quit whining I fell for it, too

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60+?

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them? A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live. Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate? A: Tell him you're pregnant. Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles? A: Take off your glasses. Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gosh, I remember all these!" SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

More AGING / with a laugh

AGING / with a laugh

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