Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It is!' 'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?' 'I can!' 'Do you know a Vince O'Neill?' 'I do!' 'Is he a member of your congregation?' 'He is!' 'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 'He will.' Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him.. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------------------------------- Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' ------------------------------ Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ______________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' ___________________________________ Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
What Is The Main Ingredient of WD-40? Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40? No Cheating.....
WD-40 ~ Who knew!
I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do.... probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I was impressed!
WD-40 who knew? "Water Displacement #40". The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953, by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'Water Displacement' Compound. They were finally successful for a formulation, with their 40th attempt, thus WD-40. The 'Convair Company' bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as on glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove-top. It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floor that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery. 5. Keeps the flies off of Cows, Horses, and other Farm Critters, as well. (Ya gotta love this one!!!)
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards. 7. Removes lipstick stains. 8. Loosens stubborn zippers. 9. Untangles jewelry chains. 10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks. 11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill. 12. Keeps ceramic / terracotta garden pots from oxidizing. 13. Removes tomato stains from clothing. 14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots. 15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors. 16. Keeps scissors working smoothly. 17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on both home and vehicles doors. 18. It removes that nasty tar and scuff marks from the kitchen flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks. 19. Remove those nasty Bug guts that will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! 20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide. 21. Lubricates gearshift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers. 22. Rids kids rocking chair and swings of squeaky noises. 23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open. 24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close. 25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers. 26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles. 27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans. 28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling. 29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly. 30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools. 31. Removes grease splatters from stove-tops. 32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging. 33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs. 34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell). 35. Removes all traces of duct tape. 36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain. 37. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.' 38. The favorite use in the state of New York, it protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements. 39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states. 40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch. 41. It is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray it on the marks and wipe with a clean rag. 42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone! 43. If you spray it inside a wet distributor cap, it will displace the moisture, allowing the engine to start.
P.S. As for that Basic, Main Ingredient...Well... it's FISH OIL
FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?' The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her USgovernment class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
OKAY, FORWARD THIS TO ANYONE ELSE YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.
EVEN IF YOU ARE BLONDE YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS:
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde. "Do what?" asked #2 Blonde ..
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, in their language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them much was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
The chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
And the chief replied, ”My bike."
ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the main roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'
And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
( scroll down )
'............... BUT HIS FACE DOES RING A BELL' WAIT! WAIT! YES, there's even more!!!
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'