Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Signs


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."


On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking

for, you've come to the right place."


On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."


On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


At a Tire Shop inMilwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."


At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg.

We want tows."


In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you

are on fire and take appropriate action."


On aoMaternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."


At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -

miss a car payment."


Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.

We hear you coming."


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.  However, if you don't, you will be."


In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."


In the front yard of a Funeral

Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."


CHICAGO  RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Monday, April 29, 2013

Never Choke In A Southern Restaurant




Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. 
 
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head, "no.."
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"

Friday, April 26, 2013

The Senior Citizen




Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others


HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took


The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behaviour,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.



And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience andtolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others



And, we understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!




I'm the life of the party...... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to
Get up
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the
Time of my life



                                                                      
Spread the laughter
Share the cheer
 Let's be happy
While we're here.



Thursday, April 25, 2013

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield.........


                                                                                  



My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.


If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.


I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'


I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.


I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.


My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.


My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me fromChicago last night.


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Dear Tide


Dear Tide:
                   

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have.
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction,
 all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative
Then my attorney called and said that I 
was no longer considered
a suspect in the disappearance of
 my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough 
without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write to the
 Hefty bag people.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Senior Driver


SENIOR DRIVER


My neighbor was working in his yard when
 he was startled by a late model car that
 came crashing through his hedge and
 ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver
 out of the car and sat her down on a
 lawn chair.

He said with excitement, "you appear 
quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.
 "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now 
old enough that I don't even need
 a driver's license anymore.

"The last time I went to my doctor, 
he examined me and asked if I had a
 driver's license. I told him yes and
 handed it to him. He took scissors 
out of the drawer, cut the license into
 pieces, and threw them in the waste
 basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore,'
 so I thanked him and left!"


Monday, April 22, 2013

Angels As Explained By Angels


 I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5



Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it

-Olive, age 9


It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

-Matthew, age 9




Angels work for God and watch over kids when God
has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7



My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8



Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy
Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6



Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up
to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9



When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again,  somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10


Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy.
If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his
son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8






All angels are girls because they gotta wear
dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9


My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got
a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley ~ age 9 




Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal
sick animals and pets. And if
they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
- Vicki , age 8


What I don't get about angels is why, when someone
is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
- Sarah , age 7