Wednesday, January 30, 2013

A History Lesson


Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. 
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
 could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests
 and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days..
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
 Hence the custom; holding a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone! 
Share these facts with a friend.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
"What the heck happened?" 
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Senior Texting


Young people have theirs,
now Seniors have their own texting codes:
ATD- At the Doctor's

BFF - Best Friends Funeral

BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM- Covered by Medicare

CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

DWI- Driving While Incontinent

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL- Living on Lipitor

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

TOT- Texting on Toilet

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Monday, January 28, 2013

APHORISM

Definition of APHORISM
1: a concise statement of a principle

2: a terse formulation of a truth or sentiment : adage

APHORISMS OF THE YEAR...

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.



We have enough "youth"

How about a fountain of "smart"

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

When blondes have more fun,do they know it?

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you


Red meat is not bad for you 
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.



ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so
hard to get re-elected is that they
would 'hate' to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.

Friday, January 25, 2013

A History Lesson


Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. 
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
 could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests
 and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days..
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
  Hence the custom; holding a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!!

So get out there and educate someone! 
Share these facts with a friend.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
"What the heck happened?" 
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.



Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Puns


      "Pun-ograpy"  


OK it’s PUNishment time – Time to read em and weep! Youv’e  been naughty and  so here goes your punishment.




These are fun!

 
When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on
.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro – what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!



-  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  -
By The Way… To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

  

Monday, January 21, 2013

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Second Amendment


 I decided to become a Constitutional Scholar. Having examined the Second Amendment, I make the following observations based of Justice Scalia's admonition that only the word is important. You cannot try to guess what the writer was thinking based on other individual writings, such as the Federalist Papers, because the exact constitutional writing was approved by all signers, after much debate.
Conclusion: The amendment is about establishing a militia and not militias. It clearly states the singular case. The Revolutionary War was clearly won by the militia (Minutemen) and our country could not have afforded a standing army, like the British or French. We have abided by the amendment by establishing the National Guard.
The second part of the amendment, about the right to bear arms not being infringed, is of course a necessity for a militia. The arms referred to obviously must include scattergun, flintlock or musket, sword, and bayonet. It would not include nukes, surface-to-air and air to surface missiles, flame throwers, bazookas, gatling guns and others . Consequently the amendment is quite limited. There is no reference to hunting or individual protection.
Have no fear. I will not accept an appointment to the Supreme Court.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Goodbye Daddy


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do." The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He almost went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day and risking a car accident, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home safely his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"


Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Grandma's boyfriend



A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.


Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are
=

Sunday, January 13, 2013

politics

Even if you aren't a Sports 


Fan this is Very Interesting!






36 have been accused of spousal abuse


7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted

at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71,
 I repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due

 to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-

relatedcharges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21currently are defendants in lawsuits,

and

84
 have been arrested for drunk driving 

in the last year !


Can you guess which organization this is?

Is it the NBA Or NFL?


Give up yet?
Scroll down,



Neither,
it's the 535 members of the
 United States Congress

The same group of Idiots that crank out
hundreds of new laws each
year
 designed to keep the rest of us in line,and keep them in office.
Can you spell, "Term Limits"??