Thursday, November 29, 2012

Male logic

Male Logic (too true!!!)

It's no wonder men/women struggle to communicate.........

A wife asks her husband, "Could you

 please go shopping for me and buy 

one carton of milk

 and if they have avocados, get 6."

 A short time later the husband comes 

back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife 

asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons

 of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."

Men find the above all too obvious 

while women may have to go back 

and read it again (and again).

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


One day I accidentally overturned my cart. 

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course
 where we were living in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It’s Jack, and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Aaah! Art

A thief in Paris planned to
 steal some Paintings
 from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got 

past security, stole the 
paintings, and made it 
safely to his van..

However, he was captured
 only two blocks away when
 his van ran out of gas!!!!

When asked how he could 
mastermind such a crime
 and then make such an
 obvious error, he replied,
 'Monsieur, that is the 
reason I stole the

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else....

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse

Monday, November 26, 2012

Women Drivers

Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........


This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a


In a brand new

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror 

Putting on her eyeliner. 

I looked away
For a couple seconds...
to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was 

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup. 

As a man, 

I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
I dropped

My electric shaver 

Which knocked 

The donut 

Out of my other hand.

In all
 The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car 

Using my knees against 

The steering wheel, 

It knocked 

My Cell P

Away from my ear 

Which fell 

Into the coffee 

Between my legs! 


And burned 

me (ouch)

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers, 

And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!

Friday, November 23, 2012

Dear Red States,

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics (like
"legitimate rape") so we have decided to leave you.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the
other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes
California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially
to the people of the new country, the Enlightened States of America

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research.

You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin. We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 % of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama. And Louisiana.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You now get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 % lower than the Christian
Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti-war and
we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no convincing

We wish you success in Afghanistan and possibly Iran as well, but
we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of
all cheese, 90 % of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur
coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy (Yale,
Harvard, etc.) and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Berkeley, U of
Chicago, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs; 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists; Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale;
62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws;
44% say that evolution is only a theory;
53% claim that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and
61% of you crazies believe that you have higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good California weed, too. You can have the junk they
grow in Mexico.

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Proof It's Necessary to Proofread

The young monk’s first day.

He is assigned to helping the other monks
in copying the old canons and laws of the
church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks
are copying from copies, not from the original
manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the
head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that
error would be continued in all of the subsequent

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make
a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original manuscripts

are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down
to look for him. He sees him banging his head
against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the R !

His forehead is all bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably. The young monk
asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...