Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Because I'm a man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I WILL win.

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what 
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say 
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now 
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know 
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and 
break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me tenderly while I lie in bed 
and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be 
expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I 
know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that 
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person 
gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been 
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though 
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... 
( applies to engineers mainly).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, 
sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when 
you ask, so don't ask.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she 
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever 
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. 
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't 
..and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will 
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to 

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, 
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, 
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go 
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2012, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, 
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, 
and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden 
with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to
better understand men

Monday, February 27, 2012

Points to Ponder

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue! 

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. 

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.. 

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague 

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.. 

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 

8 * Never buy a car you can't push. 

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. 

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. 

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all live in the same box. 

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 

Thursday, February 23, 2012


I dialed a number and got the following recording:
'I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.' 


Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses

without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time 
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.