Monday, January 31, 2011

Something for everyone

Bad News about Grandpa...

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Republican in the family before!"


The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains office in Alaska. 

He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-Mobile when he

heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt.

The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about, and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. 

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing 'Go Sarah' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. 

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true" 

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"

"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom." 

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"



Don't blame it on global warming,
It's all the German beer we've been drinking.
How's this for a scary ride.

What happens when you eat too many doughnuts---
Can't we all get along?

Who the hell stole my pacifer?

How you know when to stop driving.

What makes you think I did it.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Thank you for your service, sir.

In 1975, I retired from the Air Force. Many Americans didn't take kindly to vets. We were often spat upon, called “baby killers” and other things. When I went looking for a job, I frequently felt a rush of cold air when the subject of my prior employment came up. However, we were in the midst of a recession and there were a lot of “job freezes”. Eventually, I was hired by an ex-marine.

In 1985, I was approached by our local legislative delegation (state senator, and two state representatives) and asked if I would serve as a Lee County Commissioner, to replace another that was going to jail, for bribery. After discussing it with my smoking hot trophy wife, I agreed and was told the Governor would call in a few days and make it official. He did. Governor Graham called one evening, we had a short chat, and I was appointed. However, during our conversation he mentioned that he had some concerns about the fact I had been in the military. After I hung up that part of the conversation gnawed away at me for some time.

In 2005, I was traveling up a winding mountain road in North Carolina and followed by a UPS truck. We both stopped at a little shop and as I started to enter the UPS driver tapped my on the shoulder and said, “Thank you for your service”. I was quite startled because that was the first time since I had retired 30 years earlier, that someone had told me that. He saw my quizzical look and said that he had seen my license plate and knew I was a veteran. Since that time, there has been a turn around in general population viewpoint, and several times I have been “thanked”.

A few months ago, I had been shopping at the Patrick Base Exchange, and as a drove my little scooter back to my car, there was a man leaning on it. While I was loading my scooter on the rear lift of my car, the man asked if he could put a little Purple Heart pin on my cap. He had seen my license tag and just waited for me to appear. I thought that was really nice and that the man was obviously military related to have been in that parking lot.

The other day, I stopped at a little vitamin store and was able to park directly in front of the door. Since it was just a few steps, I wouldn't need my scooter or oxygen. As I entered, a young boy (slightly under 5 feet tall), came up to me and started asking questions. He saw my Air Force cap and the little Purple Heart medal. He asked, if I liked the Air Force, if it was “hard”, and several other questions and then said where did you earn the Purple Heart. I told him-Vietnam. Suddenly he stepped back, stood up ramrod straight, and rendered a picture perfect salute, saying, “Thank you for your service, sir”. I returned the salute and he walked back to his mom.

I am not an emotional man, but when I got back into my car, my eyes were misty. I wondered if some of the homeless Vietnam vets lives would have been changed if they had been thanked for their service, by a little boy. I know that little guy eased any of the hard feelings that I might have had stored in the back of my mind and I felt a tremendous sense of relief. Bless his heart.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

World View Of Terrorism

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Ticked Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey,!" "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Distaff distractions

Strange Young Couple

A Texas DPS Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's side window.
The young man lowers his window and mutters, "Uh, yes, Officer"?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Sir, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper says: 'And her in the back, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening! The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'. The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ... ........

(scroll down)

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Unless it's been photo-shopped

Sunday, January 23, 2011

What they were saying 55 years ago

Comments made in the year 1955!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things

keep going the way they are,

it's going to be impossible to

buy a week's groceries for $10.00. '

Have you seen the new cars

coming out next year? It won't

be long before $1, 000.00 will

only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in

price, I'm going to quit; 20 cents

a pack is ridiculous. '

'Did you hear the post office is

thinking about charging 7 cents

just to mail a letter.'

'If they raise the minimum wage

to $1.00, nobody will be able to

hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who

would have thought gas would
someday cost 25 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving
the car in the garage.'

'I read the other day where some

scientist thinks it's possible to put

a man on the moon by the end of

the century. They even have some

fellows they call astronauts

preparing for it down in Texas.'

'Did you see where some baseball

player just signed a contract for

$50,000 a year just to play ball?

It wouldn't surprise me if someday

they'll be making more than the

President. '

'I never thought I'd see the day

all our kitchen appliances would

be electric. They are even making

electric typewriters now. '

'It's too bad things are so tough

nowadays. I see where a few

married women are having to

work to make ends meet. '

'It won't be long before young

couples are going to have to hire

someone to watch their kids so

they can both work.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car

is going to open the door to a

whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to

see the day when the Government

takes half our income in taxes. I

sometimes wonder if we are

electing the best people to


'The drive-in restaurant is

convenient in nice weather,

but I seriously doubt they

will ever catch on.'

There is no sense going on short

trips anymore for a weekend. It

costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay

in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick

anymore. At $15.00 a day in

the hospital, it's too rich for

my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 30 cents

for a hair cut, forget it.'

Be sure and show this

to your kids and grandkids, too!